Just Ducky: Dear God, this is me Dog...

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Dear God, this is me Dog...

FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Is it on purpose our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are mom and dad's laps.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into some one's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying hello.

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house, not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

13. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

14. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to heaven may I have my testicles back?

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Quotes

Ceterum autem censeo Carthaginem esse delendam ("Furthermore, I consider that Carthage must be destroyed"), often abbreviated to Carthago delenda est ("Carthage must be destroyed")
"Emma Woodhouse, handsome, clever, and rich, with a comfortable home and happy disposition, seemed to unite some of the best blessings of existence; and had lived nearly twenty-one years in the world with very little to distress or vex her." -- If anyone questions an Oxford comma, my future replay shall be if it is good enough for Austen it is good enough for me. No vanguish thyselfs you ambigious mother fuckers.
Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision.
DECLARATION of the ACADÉMIE FRANÇAISE on the WRITING called "INCLUSIVE" adopted unanimously by its members in the meeting of Thursday, October 26, 2017 Taking note of the spread of an "inclusive writing" that claims to be the norm, the French Academy unanimously raises a solemn warning. The multiplication of orthographic and syntactic marks that it induces leads to a disunited language, disparate in its expression, creating a confusion that borders on illegibility. It is difficult to see what the objective is and how it could overcome the practical obstacles of writing, reading - visual or aloud - and pronunciation. It would weigh on the task of the pedagogues. This would further complicate that of readers. More than any other institution, the French Academy is sensitive to developments and innovations in the language, since its mission is to codify them. On this occasion, it is less a guardian of the norm than a guarantor of the future that it raises a cry of alarm: before this "inclusive" aberration, the French language is now in mortal danger, which our nation is now accountable to future generations. It is already difficult to acquire a language, what will happen if the use adds to it second and altered forms? How will future generations grow in intimacy with our written heritage? As for the promises of the Francophonie, they will be destroyed if the French language prevents itself by this duplication of complexity, for the benefit of other languages that will take advantage to prevail on the planet.
“Under Jefferson,” he said, “our republican Constitution will sink to Mobocracy, the worst of all possible governments.” -- Supreme Court Justice Samuel Chase
"As a fundamental factor of personal autonomy, one should be allowed -- but not required as their only option -- to beg a doctor for poison. Why should the state have any more authority to require someone to live against their consent than they do to execute someone?" -- MRK
"It is in the nature of a man's mind. A thing which you enjoyed and used as your own for a long time, whether property or opinion, takes root in your being and cannot be torn away without your re- senting the act and trying to defend yourself, however you came by it" -- Oliver Wendell Holmes
"When the average voter steps into the booth he registers the prejudice or the allegiance bred by a mix of geography, history and ethnic reaction which stems from a past he knows only murkily." Kevin Phillips (Emerging Republican Majority)
"By this means twenty of the best geniusses will be raked from the rubbish annually" -- Thomas Jefferson (White Trash is not a modern term...)
"It isn't Richard Spencer calling the cops on me for farming while Black. It's nervous White women in yoga pants with "I'm with Her" and "Coexist" stickers on their German SUVs. ... There’s a difference between confronting racists and confronting racism." -- Chris Newman
"Like Whitehouse, these students are “reactionaries”, responding to anything they deem to be “insensitive” or “problematic” because it challenges their notion of what is acceptable to a civilised and moral society, and because the kind of art that Reed created was reckless, experimental, and yes, wild. And that scares them. " Lionel Shriver
"I am an irrational hard ass with anger issues. Do not piss me off." -- Zeke Braverman (Parenthood)
"Political correctness is the social force that holds them in contempt for that, or punishes them outright."
"Within a group, selfish individuals always win. But in contests between groups, groups of altruists always beat groups of selfish individuals." -- E. O. Wilson
"There is a terrible pink mixture (with tomatoes in it and herbs) called Manhattan Clam Chowder, that is only a vegetable soup, and not to be confused with New England Clam Chowder, nor spoken of in the same breath. Tomatoes and clams have no more affinity than ice cream and horseradish." -- Eleanor Early
"I've seen monkey-shit fights at the zoo that are more organized than this." -- Edward O'Neil in "The Replacements"
" Liberalism sees political rights as a positive good — rights for one are rights for all. “Democracy” means political rights for every citizen. The far left defines democracy as the triumph of the subordinate class over the privileged class. Political rights only matter insofar as they are exercised by the oppressed. The oppressor has no rights." -- NY Magazine
I know nobody will read my status but sometimes when I'm bored, I get wrapped up in my tutu, put a giant horn on my head, lather sparkles all over myself and prance around the kitchen pretending I'm a magical unicorn!
"Running is part of what makes us human beings, our ability to tire out our prey with our lungs and legs. It made my body feel purposeful and powerful. It made my soul happy. Maybe it’s time to move back." -- Becca
“If we don’t make mistakes daily, we aren’t pushing the boundary and challenging the system enough.” Antonio J. Lucio
"Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting." -- Dauphin, Henry V
“Sooner or later, the Japanese will try to bolster up their power by another war. Unfortunately for us, we have what they want most, the Philippines. . . . When it comes, we will win over Japan, but it will be one of the most disastrous conflicts the world has ever seen.” -- TR, to Archie Butt in 1908
"She won't have me, but I will have her" -- Teddy Roosevelt, the first night he met Alice Lee
"Now it is done. Now the story ends. And there is no way to tell it. The art of fiction is dead. Reality has strangled invention. Only the utterly impossible, the inexpressibly fantastic, can ever be plausible again." -- Red Smith, NY Herald Tribune, Oct 4, 1951
"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." -- Rita Rudner
"Forced worship stinks in God’s nostrils." -- Roger Williams
"Teach the girls to cook and sew. Teach the boy to cut wood, take care of a garden, milk a cow, hunt and fish. Give the boy a boat and a dog and a gun, if he acts sensible. Teach him to use carpenter’s tools. Give a girl a sewing machine. Educate your children so they can become wage earners. Girls need a college education, just as much as boys. " Jared Busby
"Language was invented for one reason, boys - to woo women, and in that endeavor, laziness will not do." ~John Keating
"Experience should teach us to be most on our guard to protect liberty when the Government's purposes are beneficent. Men born to freedom are naturally alert to repel invasion of their liberty by evil-minded rulers. The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well meaning but without understanding." -- Louis Brandeis, Olmstead dissent
"When you get out in the field, you'll be sitting on your ass for a long time," he said. " Be ready to go to work. Pay attention to the rules. Compete in sports. Stay in shape. Get your hair cut. And for Christ's sake, be men." -- Chicago Fire Commissioner Robert Quinn
"I should suppose that moral, political, and practical considerations would dictate that a very first principle of that wisdom would be an insistence upon avoiding secrecy for its own sake. For when everything is classified, then nothing is classified, and the system becomes one to be disregarded by the cynical or the careless, and to be manipulated by those intent on self protection or self-promotion. I should suppose, in short, that the hallmark of a truly effective internal security system would be the maximum possible disclosure, recognizing that secrecy can best be preserved only when credibility is truly maintained." -- Justice Stewart, New York Times v. United States, 1971.
"Evangelical and Amish vocabularies are analogous to two foreign languages describing the same sentiments of love. One is a communal language of patience, humility, community, and practice; the other is an individualistic language of beliefs, certainty, feelings, and experience. Whereas evangelical Christians want to know, control, plan, and act to guarantee their salvation, the Amish outlook is a more modest and perhaps honest one." -- Donald Kraybill
"One of the painful things about our time is that those who feel certainty are stupid, and those with any imagination and understanding are filled with doubt and indecision" -- Bertrand Russel
"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge" -- Charles Darwin
"The ability to plan to the most reliable marker of class." -- Gloria (did I really just quote her?) Steinem
"Men may, because of ignorance or habit, ruin their soils, but more often economic or social conditions, entirely out of their control, lead or force them to a treatment of their lands that can only end in ruin.” -- Avery Craven
"Currently in the legal system there’s this myth of equality. And the assumption is if you are over 18 and you have an IQ of over 70 then all brains are created equal. And, of course, that’s a very charitable idea but it’s demonstrably false. Brains are extraordinarily different from one another. Brains are essentially like fingerprints; we’ve all got them but they’re somewhat different. And so by imagining that everyone has the exact same capacity for decision-making, for understanding future consequences, for squelching their impulsive behavior and so on, what we’re doing is we’re imagining that everybody should be treated the same. And, of course, what has happened is that our prison system has become our de facto mental health care system. Estimates are that about 30 percent of the prison population has some sort of mental illness. " -- David Eagleman on Fresh Air 8-24-12
"Commence station security log Stardate 47282.5. At the request of commander Sisko, I will hereafter be recording a daily log of law enforcement affairs. The reason for this exercise is beyond my comprehension. Except perhaps that humans have a compulsion to keep records and lists and files. So many in fact that they have to invent new ways to store them microscopically. Otherwise their records would overrun all known civilization. My own very adequate memory not being good enough for starfleet I am pleased to put my voice to this official record of this day: Everything's under control. End log." -- Odo
"A large Japanese fleet has been contacted. They are fifteen miles away and headed in our direction. They are believed to have four battleships, eight cruisers, and a number of destroyers. This will be a fight against overwhelming odds from which survival cannot be expected. We will do what damage we can." LCDR Robert W. Copeland, USS Samuel B. Roberts, Samar, Battle of Leyte Gulf
"By force and terror, to prevent all political action not in accord with the views of the members; to deprive colored citizens of the right to bear arms and of the right to a free ballot; to suppress schools in which colored children were taught and to reduce the colored people to a condition akin to that of slavery." -- Ulysses S. Grant
"Wicked men, ambitious of power, with hatred of liberty and contempt of law, may fill the place once occupied by Washington and Lincoln; and if this right is conceded, and the calamities of war again befall us, the dangers to human liberty are frightful to contemplate." Ex Parte Milligan
"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them." -- Albert Einstein
"The problem with quotes on the internet is anyone can make them up." -- Abraham Lincoln
"There are two ideas of government. There are those who believe that if you just legislate to make the well-to-do prosperous, that their prosperity will leak through on those below. The Democratic idea has been that if you legislate to make the masses prosperous their prosperity will find its way up and through every class that rests upon it." -- William Jennings Bryant, 1896
"What made Western civilization rich and liberal was not just free-market capitalism and well-founded constitutional government, but the role of family, community, and church in reminding the emancipated individual in an affluent society that he should not always do what he is legally permitted to. Destroy these bridles, ridicule the old shame culture of the past, and we end up with unchecked appetites." -- Victor Davis Hanson
Aristotle's "Modes of Persuasion" in rhetoric lays out it depends on we find ethos (speaker's credibility), pathos (emotional connection to the audience), and logos (rational argument)
"When I was a boy, we used, in order to draw oft' the harriers from the trail of a hare that we had set down as our own private property, get to her haunt early in the morning, and drag a red-herring, tied to a string, four or five miles over hedges and ditches, across fields and through coppices, till we got to a point, whence we were pretty sure the hunters would not return to the spot where they had thrown off; and, though I would, by no means, be understood, as comparing the editors and proprietors of the London daily press to animals half so sagacious and so faithful as hounds, I cannot help thinking, that, in the case to which we are referring, they must have been misled, at first, by some political deceiver." -- William Cobbet, 1807
"Every thing secret degenerates, even the administration of justice; nothing is safe that does not show how it can bear discussion and publicity." -- Lord Acton
It's a magical world out there, Hobbes. Let's go exploring.
F*S=k; Freedom times Security is a constant, the more security you have the less freedom you have.
"Courage is the mean point between confidence and fear." -- Aristotle
When only the unexplored is ahead, the competition must be behind.
"Pessimism is a primary source of passivity." -- Margaret Tuchman, The First Salute
"Fear," for George Washington, meant another factor that existed to be overcome. -- Margaret Tuchman, The First Salute
"Being a Southern Baptist means you're going to hell no matter what you do, so you might as well put on a helmet and have a good time." -- Anthony Clark
The reason the sun never sets on the British Empire is that God doesn't trust the British in the dark.
Heaven is where... The police are British The cooks are Italian The lovers are French The mechanics are German And it's all organized by the Swiss Hell is where... The cooks are British The mechanics are French The lovers are Swiss The police are German And it's all organized by the Italians
"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." -- Teddy Roosevelt
"Never write if you can speak; never speak if you can nod; never nod if you can wink."
"One sometimes gets the impression that the mere words ‘Socialism’ and ‘Communism’ draw towards them with magnetic force every fruit-juice drinker, nudist, sandal-wearer, sex-maniac, Quaker, ‘Nature Cure’ quack, pacifist, and feminist in England." -- George Orwell, Road to Wiggan Pier, 1937
"If you have the law on your side, argue the law; if you have the facts, argue the facts; if you have neither, pound the table."
"What is unique about the US – and indispensable to the understanding of it – is that it is a country of the displaced and dispossessed: a nation which invented itself for the very purpose of permitting people to reinvent themselves, to take their fate into their own hands, to be liberated from the persecution and the paternalism of the old cultures they had left behind. Almost every American either is himself, or is descended from, someone who made a conscious decision to pull up his roots and take his chances in a land he had almost certainly never seen and which, until quite recently, offered no protection or security if the gamble failed. " -- Janet Daley
"And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music" -- Friedrich Nietzsche
"The corporation might not be as good at allocating labor and capital as the marketplace; it made up for those weaknesses by reducing transaction costs." -- paraphrase of Roland Coase, "The Nature of the Firm," 1937
"To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public.” -- Theodore Roosevelt
“I must study politics and war, that my sons may have the liberty to study mathematics and philosophy, natural history and naval architecture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, tapestry, and porcelain.” -- John Adams
"Every right implies a responsibility." -- John D. Rockefeller, Jr.
"Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will. Find out just what a people will submit to, and you have found out the exact amount of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them; and these will continue till they are resisted with either words or blows, or with both. The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress. Men may not get all they pay for in this world; but they must pay for all they get. If we ever get free from all the oppressions and wrongs heaped upon us, we must pay for their removal. We must do this by labor, by suffering, by sacrifice, and, if needs be, by our lives, and the lives of others." -- Frederick Douglas
"Doubt is not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. " -- Voltaire
"Whether you teach, lead, or command make sure your followers know what they're supposed to do before they're supposed to do it."
"Small-scale production gives birth to capitalism and the bourgeoisie constantly, daily, hourly, with elemental force, and in vast proportions." -- Lenin
"The ability to subdue the enemy without battle is a reflection of the ultimate supreme strategy. The supreme is to attack enemies' strategies and plans, by thwarting them. Next is to attack the enemies' strategic alliances with other nations. The next option is to attack enemy troops. The worst option is to attack the cities." -- Sun Tzu, Art of War
"[H]ad I so interfered in behalf of the rich, the powerful, the intelligent, the so-called great, or in behalf of any of their friends--either father, mother, brother, sister, wife, or children, or any of that class--and suffered and sacrificed what I have in this interference, it would have been all right; and every man in this court would have deemed it an act worthy of reward rather than punishment." -- John Brown, speech at his trial
Better that ten guilty persons escape, than that one innocent suffer. -- William Blackstone
In vino, veritas.
Treat stressful situations like a dog -- if you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it and walk away.
Gettysburg Address -- Abraham Lincoln
"Government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem.... We've been tempted to believe that society has become too complex to be managed by self-rule, that government by an elite group is superior to government for, by, and of the people. Well, if no one among us is capable of government himself, then who among us has the capacity to govern someone else? All of us together, in and out of government, must bear the burden. The solutions we seek must be equitable, with no one group singled out to pay a higher price." -- Ronald Reagan
"All truth is one. In this light may science and religion labor here together for the steady evolution of mankind from darkness to light; from prejudice to tolerance; from narrowness to broadmindedness." -- Judge Cuthbert W. Pound, inscribed on the largest bell in the tower of Hayes Hall, SUNY Buffalo
"C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre. C'est de la folie" -- Marshal Bosquet, upon witnessing the charge of the light brigade.
It's not what you gross that matters, it's what you net.
Price is not related to Cost.
"The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction has to be credible." -- Samuel Clemens
"I hear you are considering changing the zoning law to prevent the festival. I hear you don't like the look of the kids who are working at the site. I hear you don't like their lifestyle. I hear you don't like they are against the war and that they say so very loudly. . . I don't particularly like the looks of some of those kids either. I don't particularly like their lifestyle, especially the drugs and free love. And I don't like what some of them are saying about our government. However, if I know my American history, tens of thousands of Americans in uniform gave their lives in war after war just so those kids would have the freedom to do exactly what they are doing. That's what this Country is all about and I am not going to let you throw them out of our Town just because you don't like their dress or their hair or the way they live or what they believe. This is America and they are going to have their festival." -- Max Yasgur to the Bethel Town Board
"Je n'ai fait cette lettre - ci plus longue que parce que je n'ai pas eu le loisir de la faire plus courte." -- Blaise Pascal (I have made this letter longer then usual, only because I do not have time to make it shorter)
"Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men." -- Martin Luther King

Carnegie's Wisdom

1.0 Fundamental techniques in handling people:
1.1 Don't Criticize, condemn, or complain.
1.2 Give honest and sincere appreciation.
1.3 Arouse in the other person an eager want.
2.0 Six ways to make people like you:
2.1 Become genuinely interested in other people.
2.2 Smile.
2.3 Remeber that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
2.4 Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
2.5 Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
2.6 Make the other person feel important -- and do it sincerely.
3.0 Win people to your way of thinking:
3.1 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
3.2 Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "You're wrong."
3.3 If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
3.4 Begin in a friendly way.
3.5 Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately.
3.6 Let the other person do a great deal of talking.
3.7 Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
3.8 Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
3.9 Be sympathetic with the other person's ideas and desires.
3.10 Appeal to the nobler motives.
3.11 Dramatize your ideas.
3.12 Thow down a challenge.
4.0 A leader's job often includes changing your people's attitudes and behavior. Some suggestions to accomplish this:
4.1 Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
4.2 Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly.
4.3 Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
4.4 Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
4.5 Let the other person save face.
4.6 Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be "hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
4.7 Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
4.8 Use encouragment. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
4.9 Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Movie Quotes

"Neither cruel nor cowardly. Never give up. Never give in." -- Doctor Who
"‘A man is whatever room he is in'—and right now, Donald Draper is in this room." -- Bert Cooper, Mad Men
"It wasn't a lie. It was ineptitude with insufficient cover." -- Donald Draper, Mad Men
"No, no...look at me the way I'm looking at you. Why? Because I asked you to. Who the hell am I? I'm the one telling you the way it is...okay, asshole?" -- Chili Palmer, Get Shorty
"There is no certainty, only opportunity." -- V, V for Vendetta
"They were Methodists, a demonination my father always referred to as Baptists who could read." -- Norman, A River Runs Through It
“Son, in thirty-five years of religious studies, I’ve come up with two hard incontrovertible facts: There is a god, and I’m not Him.” -- Fr. Cavanaugh, Rudy
It's against my programming to impresonate a deity!
Make it ten-thirty. I'll always keep it a half hour slow, remind me of the fouled up crew of the Caine. -- Caine Mutiny
"When was the last time you were decently kissed? I mean truly, truly good and kissed?" -- That Thing You Do
Han: Afraid I was gonna leave without giving you a good-bye kiss? Leia: I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee! Han: I can arrange that. You could use a good kiss! -- ESB

Just Ducky

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Dear God, this is me Dog...

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